If you follow me on Facebook, you’ve probably noticed I’ve been participating in the Thankful November posts. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing but truth in each of my posts, BUT, I’m going to get real honest here.
Lately, with the exception of yesterday, I’ve been feeling extremely defeated. Like fall down, can’t get up, need help defeated.
I’ve been working through a lot of my problems in therapy, which I feel is a double edged sword. I’m healing, but at the same time I’m hurting. I’m bringing up a lot of my demons that I’ve had buried so deep, and I’m just not sure how to deal with it all.
I’ve always been hesitant with therapists. Hell, truth be told, I’m hesitant with most people. I’m much more confident in observing others than actually conversing with them! I’ve been hurt so many times in my past that I have learned to protect myself by NOT letting anyone in, by hiding behind the brave, happy face I put on.
I consider myself socially awkward. I am blunt, brutally honest, and I don’t have a filter. I say what I mean and in today’s world, most people can’t handle it. I get nervous in crowds. I feel unsure of myself and become very self conscious. My anxiety skyrockets and I end up blabbering things that I really should keep to myself. I’m a nervous talker (or blogger too)!
I have all these emotions and I feel them with all that I am. I am a black and white kinda girl. All or nothing. My therapist has recognized this…so it’s something we are working through. I keep people at arms length. Sometimes further. I’m afraid to let people in. I don’t want them to see me for who I really am. What if they don’t like who I am? Will they think I’m an asshole? What if I’m not happy enough? What if my thoughts scare them away?
Sure, you can sit there and say I shouldn’t live my life worrying about what other people think or feel about me. But I do. Constantly. I’m afraid to let people down. I’ve always been the strong one. I can’t break down because I have so many people depending on me. If I break down, my demons win. What if people give up on me?
Even the people closest to me don’t know my darkest thoughts. Meredith knows me, and loves me. She’s my exception. Though, there are days when I feel I can’t even tell her my thoughts.
But back to what brought all these feelings come flowing – therapy. I sought out therapy due to my postpartum depression and anxiety. I knew I needed help. I’ve never been completely honest with a therapist before. But for some reason, I know I needed to be. I met with one and knew instantly I didn’t feel a connection. A couple of months passed and I made an appointment with a new therapist.
I knew after my first appointment that she was the one. I am laying it all out there for her to see. I’m baring it all, one session at a time. She’s helped me so much already in just a few months, so I hope it continues to improve in the future. She knows things my closest friends don’t and I feel safe with her. That says a lot because there are VERY few people I feel comfortable with, especially with what I am sharing!
And yes, though I am making tremendous strides in improving myself with my therapist, it doesn’t mean I won’t still feel like shit. I’m allowed to still feel depressed. Therapy doesn’t make me feel better overnight. It’s a work in progress to making me a better human, in making me happy with who I am, and forgiving myself for my past.
I’m anxious to share this post. But I’m working to make myself better and I feel strongly that you need to know me for who I am. For what I’m struggling with and through. I need to stop hiding behind that brave face. I need to take on my demons so I don’t become my own victim, so I’m not completely defeated.
Sidenote: if you’re in the central Ohio region, and in need of a therapist, feel free to message me! Or comment where you’re from in case someone near you needs a therapist!