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Welcome to my Life!

So many times, I’ve been told I have a way with words. Never have I had a blog to express myself in.  

With all of the issues I’ve been having the past year (more of my life will be included eventually), someone suggested I start a blog to get my feelings out.

I’ve decided that this blog will not just focus on my experience with postpartum depression and anxiety,  or my medically mysterious bleeding; I’m going to incorporate my life as a whole.  You’ll get the happiest of moments to the darkest depths of my mind; hence,  Life, Wife,  & Kids: Full of Maloney Baloney was created. 

If you want to follow my story,  I’m glad to have you along on this rollercoaster called LIFE. 

Feel free to message/contact me with any questions. I truly am an open book.  

Welcoming Jude into the world, Beatles style 🙂
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He’s Home!

Today, has got to be the day that my life turns around! With all the negative happenings lately, I really needed something positive.

The past 3 days have been some of the most stressful, depressing moments of my recent life.

Anyone who knows me, knows that animals are my life. Especially my own. I do anything and everything to protect them… to give them the best life possible.

In June, we had an EXTREMELY expensive bowel obstruction surgery for our kitten, Griffin. But, we did it. Last month, Griffin started acting funny again – read about it here:

https://lifewifeandkids.wordpress.com/2017/10/11/dr-taylor-saves-the-day/?preview=true

My wife, Meredith, and I go to great lengths to care for the animals in our lives.

When Monkey went missing, it was immediate panic mode for me. He’s never been outside and the cold weather is coming. PLUS, it was raining. When the hours turned to days, my hope started fading fast.

I shared his lost post EVERYWHERE. My friends, and strangers shared it. My friends helped me look. My coworkers lent me a live trap! I had people helping in so many ways!

Last night, I set up the live trap, with food and a blanket. I also put a litterbox and a baby monitor out in the garage! I haven’t been sleeping much lately (you know, stress induced insomnia coupled by a teething, nursing baby) so at 3:18am I heard the monitor start going off. SOMETHING was in the trap!

We have possoms and coons and all sorts of stray cats in our neighborhood. I was very scared to open the door, not knowing what I would find!

To my bewilderment, it WAS Monkey! I don’t think I’ve felt that much relief knowing he was home! I got him inside and gave him a once over! Aside from losing a couple pounds, he’s no worse for the wear!

I called Meredith and shared my excitement with her! He has not really left my side since, and has been sleeping a lot today! I started my day off sobbing tears of relief on my kitchen floor…. it feels SO good to have a positive ending to this. I’m holding all my puds a little tighter today!

I’m still struggling, and that’s totally okay. But, maybe, just maybe, this is the start of my healing journey!


To everyone that shared my posts, helped me look, gave me tips, or tools, or just lent encouragement, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! He’s home, he’s really, really home!

I’ve never felt so alone

How is it that when I’m surrounded by people who “love” me, I’ve never felt so alone?

I can’t shake this depressive feeling. I typically don’t feel down for so long at one time. This time, it’s almost as though the depression has completely invaded my brain and there’s no happiness left to battle back for command.

I’ve never felt so alone. So stuck in my depression. I’ve never been so isolated by my thoughts. I’ve fought hard my whole life, and I’m just so damn exhausted. I feel like I’m not winning this fight, and sadly, at this time, I’m totally okay with that.

I’m typically one who enjoys the holidays. This year, I’m dreading it all. The decorations, the family get togethers, the insane amount of traveling. I’m not even looking forward to Christmas music. My mother would be so disappointed.

I don’t have any plans to harm myself, but I’ve been thinking about death a lot. It gives me relief. A friend gave me a great analogy earlier this week: if I’m walking down the street and a semi passes by, it would be so easy to just walk out in front of it. That’s how I feel. I wish for something bad to happen so I don’t have to fight anymore.

How can I do this? I wish there was a magic button to make me happy. Postpartum depression is horrible. It has manifested into fullblown depression and I’m losing.

I don’t know where to even begin to climb up from these dark depths…. I’m literally grasping for anything. Anyone. Please. Help me.

Depression Sucks

You know that feeling where you feel something sneaking up on you but you can’t see it or hear it? You just feel it with everything you are.

That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past week.

I’ve been having a great month. I’ve been more happy and relaxed than I have been in awhile. My anxiety is less.

So why has this week been so horrible?

Depression. It is always lurking. Behind every happy moment, every smile. It is constantly fighting to breach the surface, to take over. There is a daily fight within to keep on chugging along or to back down and concede. Obviously, strength only lasts so long.

Anxiety. The negative thoughts are taunting. It’s so hard to climb out of this hole when there’s nothing to cling to. The air is getting thicker and it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I need to get out of my head. I need to get the fuck away from my life for awhile.

I need isolation. I need time to get myself back and right now I just feel like I can’t.

I feel like I have no one to talk to that understands these feelings….or that will listen to me without judgement.

I sit here crying. The thoughts are so bad. I’m not suicidal. I know I can’t kill myself. I’ve tried before. But I so wish I could stop fighting. I’m so exhausted.

I need sleep. I need love. But what I think I need MOST right now, is to know I’m not alone. That I’m supported and loved. That people give a shit about me, even when I’m hitting rock bottom.

I’m alive, but I’m drowning. Drowning in self-doubt. I’m breathing, but I have so much emotional turmoil. I’m falling apart and I feel there is no one to catch the pieces.

Defeated?

If you follow me on Facebook, you’ve probably noticed I’ve been participating in the Thankful November posts. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing but truth in each of my posts, BUT, I’m going to get real honest here.

Lately, with the exception of yesterday, I’ve been feeling extremely defeated. Like fall down, can’t get up, need help defeated.

I’ve been working through a lot of my problems in therapy, which I feel is a double edged sword. I’m healing, but at the same time I’m hurting. I’m bringing up a lot of my demons that I’ve had buried so deep, and I’m just not sure how to deal with it all.

I’ve always been hesitant with therapists. Hell, truth be told, I’m hesitant with most people. I’m much more confident in observing others than actually conversing with them! I’ve been hurt so many times in my past that I have learned to protect myself by NOT letting anyone in, by hiding behind the brave, happy face I put on.

I consider myself socially awkward. I am blunt, brutally honest, and I don’t have a filter. I say what I mean and in today’s world, most people can’t handle it. I get nervous in crowds. I feel unsure of myself and become very self conscious. My anxiety skyrockets and I end up blabbering things that I really should keep to myself. I’m a nervous talker (or blogger too)!

I have all these emotions and I feel them with all that I am. I am a black and white kinda girl. All or nothing. My therapist has recognized this…so it’s something we are working through. I keep people at arms length. Sometimes further. I’m afraid to let people in. I don’t want them to see me for who I really am. What if they don’t like who I am? Will they think I’m an asshole? What if I’m not happy enough? What if my thoughts scare them away?

Sure, you can sit there and say I shouldn’t live my life worrying about what other people think or feel about me. But I do. Constantly. I’m afraid to let people down. I’ve always been the strong one. I can’t break down because I have so many people depending on me. If I break down, my demons win. What if people give up on me?

Even the people closest to me don’t know my darkest thoughts. Meredith knows me, and loves me. She’s my exception. Though, there are days when I feel I can’t even tell her my thoughts.

But back to what brought all these feelings come flowing – therapy. I sought out therapy due to my postpartum depression and anxiety. I knew I needed help. I’ve never been completely honest with a therapist before. But for some reason, I know I needed to be. I met with one and knew instantly I didn’t feel a connection. A couple of months passed and I made an appointment with a new therapist.

I knew after my first appointment that she was the one. I am laying it all out there for her to see. I’m baring it all, one session at a time. She’s helped me so much already in just a few months, so I hope it continues to improve in the future. She knows things my closest friends don’t and I feel safe with her. That says a lot because there are VERY few people I feel comfortable with, especially with what I am sharing!

And yes, though I am making tremendous strides in improving myself with my therapist, it doesn’t mean I won’t still feel like shit. I’m allowed to still feel depressed. Therapy doesn’t make me feel better overnight. It’s a work in progress to making me a better human, in making me happy with who I am, and forgiving myself for my past.

I’m anxious to share this post. But I’m working to make myself better and I feel strongly that you need to know me for who I am. For what I’m struggling with and through. I need to stop hiding behind that brave face. I need to take on my demons so I don’t become my own victim, so I’m not completely defeated.


Sidenote: if you’re in the central Ohio region, and in need of a therapist, feel free to message me! Or comment where you’re from in case someone near you needs a therapist!

Three years have flown by…

I’m not even sure how to start this. My emotions are all over the place.

THREE years ago. Three whole years. I was at the hospital getting ready for my scheduled c-section to birth Avery.

I remember the anxiety, the excitement, the sadness! My first c-section was not a pleasant experience so I was terrified of having complications. Thankfully, our OB, Dr. Katherine Strafford, kept me calm and held my hands during my spinal. She reassured me that everything would go as planned! I was excited to meet this new little person, my little girl. And yet, I was so sad to turn my little boys world upside down (not knowing how he would react)!

It was a whirlwind of a delivery! My spinal went smoothly, and I was joking and laughing with the delivery team the entire time! I didn’t need oxygen and Avery came out screaming and ready to take on the world! I was able to watch her be pulled out since our team lowered the drape! And I held her before we left the delivery room! All things I missed out on with Parker! Our OB kept her promise!

18 months to the day after I had such a traumatic delivery with Parker, I had the most beautiful delivery with Avery.

These past three years have flown by faster than a blink of an eye. From that tiny newborn, to a rambunctious toddler, Avery has truly kept me on my toes! I never thought I would be blessed with a little girl, and yes, though we argue like siblings most days, there is truly nothing as special as having a little girl!

Not only does she keep up with her big brother, she copies his every move! I never imagined having them so close together would fill me with so much love! She’s the BEST little sister and big sister anyone could ever want! She tackles Parker and cuddles with Jude, all in the same breath, it seems! She is a crazy cat lady in training, she can be a tomboy and watch sports, and she will school you in being a diva (because pink is her favorite color – she’ll tell you daily)! Avery is her own person and she lets you know it! She will grow up to be and do great things!

Today, is all about my little firecracker! She’s wrapped around my heart and I am so proud to be her mommy! Happy 3rd Birthday Avery Ann (SueBob/Stinky Pete)! You came into this world ready for anything and I hope you keep that spice for life! I love you more than words babygirl, and as you told me the other night, you are (one of) my best friend (s) in the whole world!

Continuous Journey

I’ve been pretty mum about my postpartum journey lately. It seems my life is so busy I can’t focus on just one aspect!

I’m almost 9 months out from delivering my third, and most likely (which I’m not okay with), final baby. There are days when I’m absolutely fine, and there are days I’m an absolute hot mess. And I have so many days of being in between. I call those my “surviving days.” I really need to make a habit of living my life, day by day, hell, moment to moment.

I get extremely overwhelmed by the tiniest change in my routine. I never used to have OCD tendencies. Now, I catch myself having more issues with certain things (i.e. how things are done, when they’re done, who does them, etc).

As I had a house full of guests for my daughter, Avery’s third birthday party, I was so overwhelmed with anxiety. I HATE big groups, regardless if I know everyone or not. I’m much more comfortable with one on one get togethers or a small group of close friends. She’s excited and I’m happy about that. She had a blast and that is ALL that matters! Now, I’m having a hard time getting her out of her “Poppy” dress!

I took precautions and took my anxiety meds before the party.

I’ve come a long way since I was initially diagnosed, but, I know I still have a long way to go before I get to where I need/want to be.

With high anxiety, my postpartum depression gets worse. If you see me struggling, know it’s nothing you’ve done, it’s just another part of this continuous journey.

#metoo

By now, I’m sure you’ve all seen it going around social media. People posting about being sexually assaulted by saying “me too”.

Though, it’s mostly women posting, I’ve had a few of my male friends posting as well.

It saddens me, that as a culture, so many people have been silent about being sexually assaulted. For fear of being judged, or worse, fear of a threat becoming a reality.

Men. Women. Children. Black. White. Hispanic. Catholic. Jewish. Muslim. ANYONE can be a victim of sexual assault. It crosses cultures and is a global problem.

Silence perpetuates the issue. Victims suffer alone. So many feel suicide is their only option. The offenders get no punishment and are free to keep destroying others’ lives.


I don’t talk much about my experiences. I am a victim who lives in silence.

I suffered at the hands of someone I loved, when I was 12 – and never said anything about it. I was vulnerable and this man took advantage of me while I was staying with them shortly after my mom died.

Not dealing with this led to several years of self harm and eating disorders.

Fast forward to Sept. 23, 2009. I was raped by a stranger. And I watched him rape someone I was caring for. I will spare you all the details, but I remember it so vividly. It changed me. Forever.


Sexual assault and rape is NEVER the victims fault. We don’t “ask” for it and we don’t like it. It happens to us, and the more of us who stand up against the predators, the more we are trying to prevent someone else having to suffer.

Those of you who have been assaulted, I see you. Those who have spoken out, I hear you. I believe you. I AM you.

We need to end the stigma, the struggle to make sense of it all. We NEED to END the SILENCE.

#metoo